Ok, maybe ill keep up with this blogging thing. It’s something to do. I have other things to do, like masturbate. But I can’t. So I’ll blog instead.
This time, i want to draw some parallels from some past people/experiences to the present. As I was pretending to be King (lets see how many of you can guess what that means…), some thoughts ran through my head unexpectedly. I realized that this weekend, and throughout my time so far in NY, ive been in many situations that, now that i think about it, are quite similar to situations ive been in in the past–however, I’ve dealt with the present situations in such a way that i didnt even notice the parallels until now. I think thats a good thing?
Vamos a ver. Well, parallel numero uno was basically taken care of in the last major entry (see both). turning bullshit/drama/unnecessary crap into exactly what it is: nothing. it goes straight out the window. and it’s easy to do. and i guess thats only true because a certain someone trained me so well. thanks hun. now if only we were still on speaking terms?
Undoubtedly, parallel duex comes straight from the aforementioned hun. I suppose most if not all of the things I’ll touch on stem from the same person. After all, everything that that “relationship” entailed took up over a year of my life–and arguably the most significant year of my life, encompassing by far the best AND worst moments of the past 21 years of my existence. There’s much too much there to just put everything that happened off as insignificant or unimportant. Sure, lots of it was “just because” (see the last big post) but still, there’s learning to be done. and parallels to be made. There, back on track.
So, in a series of events that unfolded this past saturday night i got thrown on to the other side of the equation. Instead of being the one fighting for something/one, i was being fought for, if you could call it that.
I am a jealous person. it sucks, but at least i can admit it. people really *shouldnt* be jealous, but its not like its something you can just turn off. its not good to be jealous a lot, and im not, but when i am, its because in certain situations, you just have to understand that yeah, its totally probable that someone who like you might get jealous based on your actions. its a natural feeling, sure it can be 100% unjustified when taken out of context. but in context, its something to be reckoned with. So yes, I’ve been jealous a few times. and its caused problems. Although to be fair, problems aren’t always entirely my fault, in fact they are mostly not my fault. but it certainly does take two. but, sometimes someone would even be more to blame than I. that’s sort of here, sort of there, but really neither here nor there, and that someone’s lack of maturity will continue to ruin any future relationships that may be had. :tears:
so saturday, when i had to deal with someone getting jealous because i wasnt necessarily giving them what they wanted…
wow i definitely know how much that sucks. in fact, “that sucks” is such a large understatement for how much that sucks. its heartbreaking. tots fo real.
and what did i do about it? i acted relatively nonchalant. so nonchalant that, by the mere fact that i wasnt reacting so negatively, that lack of negativity cold have been perceived positively.
do you follow?
its how i would have (and have) reacted.
There’s nothing wrong with cuddling, right? Unless one person likes the other person more/a lot, and the other person knows it, but doesnt share the same feelings. There’s nothing wrong with the casual make-out, is there? unless you’re capable of feeling guilty.
You know that gut feeling…you want something so bad…you get it, or something close, but your mind takes it and RUNS. your heart catches up. (damn, hows that for emo?) and before you know it…you’re back to square one, falling down the graph of life(scroll down), heartbroken for the nth time. but hey, if you didnt see it coming………but you did. i did. even if it takes a bit of time, that feeling never left your gut. it didnt. because when it does, youll know. and you know deep down that it didnt. thats why getting back together is dangerous fun. thats why it can hurt…again. its like falling down the steps. stair by stair. you dont fall as fast this time (the first time it was like the stairs just disintegrated from under you), but its definitely just as hard the second time. and its back down to the same floor you started on. and that’s shitty. mhmm.
Right now im staring out my window to the lit up Empire State Building and Chrysler Building, amidst a vast array of smaller, uglier buildings with lights staggered across the horizon. its beautiful. Its New York City. and im in it. breathtaking? yeah. mindblowing? that too. do i literally have the entire world and more at my fingertips? most probably. And what am i doing? sitting here contemplating the past, and although i could deny that like all hell, in a way, thats just what im doing: contemplating the past. the past. its the past. makes you who you are. but its not the present. [more emo; at least i dont act on it.]
But can this city make me forget about certain things in the past? no matter how many times i say it, “yes” is not the right answer. you dont forget. but, that’s not the best question to ask: can this city make me better than i was before i got here? better or worse, i dont know yet. can it numb my mind to the point of starting over? sure it can. can it heal me? that, i think, may be the “yes” im looking for. but with healing comes lots of stuff. i’m waiting for that stuff. no. strike that. im not waiting. im looking for that stuff. im here for it.
alright so that wasnt exactly a discussion of parallels but its ok. and its not a continuation/updation [ill make up words if i wanna] of what i wrote before about licensing my life away. oh well, i lose focus.
Tags: best friends, blogging, changes, emo, exes, healing, heartbreaking, hun, leading on, Life, masturbation, New York, no, parallels, philosophy, rants, reactions, saturday, skyline, stairs, vaugeness, yes
