This time, i want to draw some parallels from some past people/experiences to the present. As I was pretending to be King (lets see how many of you can guess what that means…), some thoughts ran through my head unexpectedly. I realized that this weekend, and throughout my time so far in NY, ive been in many situations that, now that i think about it, are quite similar to situations ive been in in the past–however, I’ve dealt with the present situations in such a way that i didnt even notice the parallels until now. I think thats a good thing?

Vamos a ver. Well, parallel numero uno was basically taken care of in the last major entry (see both). turning bullshit/drama/unnecessary crap into exactly what it is: nothing. it goes straight out the window. and it’s easy to do. and i guess thats only true because a certain someone trained me so well. thanks hun. now if only we were still on speaking terms?

Undoubtedly, parallel duex comes straight from the aforementioned hun. I suppose most if not all of the things I’ll touch on stem from the same person. After all, everything that that “relationship” entailed took up over a year of my life–and arguably the most significant year of my life, encompassing by far the best AND worst moments of the past 21 years of my existence. There’s much too much there to just put everything that happened off as insignificant or unimportant. Sure, lots of it was “just because” (see the last big post) but still, there’s learning to be done. and parallels to be made. There, back on track.

So, in a series of events that unfolded this past saturday night i got thrown on to the other side of the equation. Instead of being the one fighting for something/one, i was being fought for, if you could call it that.

I am a jealous person. it sucks, but at least i can admit it. people really *shouldnt* be jealous, but its not like its something you can just turn off. its not good to be jealous a lot, and im not, but when i am, its because in certain situations, you just have to understand that yeah, its totally probable that someone who like you might get jealous based on your actions. its a natural feeling, sure it can be 100% unjustified when taken out of context. but in context, its something to be reckoned with. So yes, I’ve been jealous a few times. and its caused problems. Although to be fair, problems aren’t always entirely my fault, in fact they are mostly not my fault. but it certainly does take two. but, sometimes someone would even be more to blame than I. that’s sort of here, sort of there, but really neither here nor there, and that someone’s lack of maturity will continue to ruin any future relationships that may be had. :tears:

so saturday, when i had to deal with someone getting jealous because i wasnt necessarily giving them what they wanted…
wow i definitely know how much that sucks. in fact, “that sucks” is such a large understatement for how much that sucks. its heartbreaking. tots fo real.
and what did i do about it? i acted relatively nonchalant. so nonchalant that, by the mere fact that i wasnt reacting so negatively, that lack of negativity cold have been perceived positively.
do you follow?
its how i would have (and have) reacted.

There’s nothing wrong with cuddling, right? Unless one person likes the other person more/a lot, and the other person knows it, but doesnt share the same feelings. There’s nothing wrong with the casual make-out, is there? unless you’re capable of feeling guilty.
You know that gut feeling…you want something so bad…you get it, or something close, but your mind takes it and RUNS. your heart catches up. (damn, hows that for emo?) and before you know it…you’re back to square one, falling down the graph of life(scroll down), heartbroken for the nth time. but hey, if you didnt see it coming………but you did. i did. even if it takes a bit of time, that feeling never left your gut. it didnt. because when it does, youll know. and you know deep down that it didnt. thats why getting back together is dangerous fun. thats why it can hurt…again. its like falling down the steps. stair by stair. you dont fall as fast this time (the first time it was like the stairs just disintegrated from under you), but its definitely just as hard the second time. and its back down to the same floor you started on. and that’s shitty. mhmm.

Right now im staring out my window to the lit up Empire State Building and Chrysler Building, amidst a vast array of smaller, uglier buildings with lights staggered across the horizon. its beautiful. Its New York City. and im in it. breathtaking? yeah. mindblowing? that too. do i literally have the entire world and more at my fingertips? most probably. And what am i doing? sitting here contemplating the past, and although i could deny that like all hell, in a way, thats just what im doing: contemplating the past. the past. its the past. makes you who you are. but its not the present. [more emo; at least i dont act on it.]
But can this city make me forget about certain things in the past? no matter how many times i say it, “yes” is not the right answer. you dont forget. but, that’s not the best question to ask: can this city make me better than i was before i got here? better or worse, i dont know yet. can it numb my mind to the point of starting over? sure it can. can it heal me? that, i think, may be the “yes” im looking for. but with healing comes lots of stuff. i’m waiting for that stuff. no. strike that. im not waiting. im looking for that stuff. im here for it.

alright so that wasnt exactly a discussion of parallels but its ok. and its not a continuation/updation [ill make up words if i wanna] of what i wrote before about licensing my life away. oh well, i lose focus.

i am actually quite entertained by what makes it onto the blogs, not just into the blogosphere, but into the digital universe. forever. its there. i mean, itll be on google soon. for the universe and perpetuity, like the licenses i have to deal with. my life is licensed.

doesn’t that blow your mind?

i dont know , there was more i wanted to say about this but the writing just isnt spurting anymore. but possibly/probably more on this later.

I’m not in the mood to write…I suppose I should have written when i was in the mood, this morning. But I had to go to work. C’est La Vie.

I *thought* maybe i could escape a bit of drama this summer…i mean, this is New York City. Okay, I’m naive, but still…can’t i lose myself here? (don’t take that sexually).
This is supposed to be a time for change, exploration, breaking barriers, busting boundaries, and doing everything i’ve been holding myself back from doing. (Take that sexually, if you want.)
Clearly, when they say new york has everything, that means everything, including the drama.

Well it’s partly my fault. There will always be drama†. its part of being human. people are people and they react to things. You can’t change people [i learned this the hard way. yeah, the hard way.] But you CAN change your reaction to them. [no, it's really not easy, i don't care what you say.]
Alas, I have stopped dealing with bullshit/unnecessary and/or misplaced bitching/stupid drama/etc.
at the expense of friendship? shouldn’t be. did i react a little to extreme? probably.

So let’s talk a bit of specifics, since the drama’s in the details. and im all about communication when it comes to problems. did we communicate? hardly. should we? uh huh.
and that logic right there, my friends, may be the extent of my maturity. but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t place me higher than most of the people in this world. I talk when i have problems. i don’t walk away. [no. that wasnt an allusion to anything.] there’s more i can say on that philosophy but it’s not necessary here.

***
†drama. what an annoying, ugly word. Overused, generalized, and so devoid of any significant meaning (unless you’re talking about a theatrical work, etc.) it bothers me to rely on it so much here. But it is what it is.
***

ok back on track.

I’m a heartbreaker. What can i say? I know this. But I’ve had my fragile little organ [okay, i know you're giggling at that] {i was referring to my heart} played with [i just cant help myself] in all the wrong ways too many times. I’ve been affected by life. It takes time to figure shit out, put things in their place, apply the lessons you’ve learned the right way, the best way–and no, thats not something you can do without time, without conscious effort, and without screwing up a few times.
I’m slower than most people…i can’t jump right in and be the person i should be, or that you want me to be. patience may be an issue here. but perspective is definitely the issue.
And like i said before, I’m immature. Well, I’m mature…but only to an extent. I think i told someone that. and im one of those double-standard holding people. Do what i say, not what i do. my advice is sound, my actions, not so much. but im working on it. who said at 21 you had to be god’s gift to human morality? I’m working on it though, i swear I am.

this all my sound very broad and general, and it is. but thats my brain for you. so im going to try to take this train towards the specifics, like i told you i would.

to begin, a math lesson:
friend A>>> friend B >> M.Hal
is not true. bad equalities. ti-84 says wha?

let’s try another (who ever thought id use what i hate to do what i love?)

[(alcohol + strong emotions + conclusion jumping + [jealousy/jealousy]) + 2immaturity + (me)] = this weekend with emphasis on saturday night.

Why’d it happen? Let’s just start from the beginning. I know, im all over the place here. but that’s my style, yo.

The first thing ill say is that i dont believe that people can help what they feel. you don’t have control over your emotions. sometimes you dont have control over how you react to those emotions. some people are stronger than others, and can change their reactions faster and easier. I’m pretttyyy far from those people. Time takes care of it though. time, and time again. its like you’re falling down the Graph of Life. Its kinda like gravity…if it goes up, it must come down, and if it bounces, itll never get as high as the first bounce (thats..inertia?). thank you joosh barclay physics. ew.

anywho, as i digress more and more…
you can’t help what you feel. so you feel it and it just FUCKS with you. all day and all night. and that, for better or for worse, is how it is. maybe, when i know certain things, say, how certain people are feeling, i should not let my feelings go unspoken. again, no one likes to be in that situation, no one likes exercising the balls/maturity that those conversations require. I’ve been on both ends. and neither one is fun. its the part of the graph where you’re falling for awhile, hoping you stop before you hit the x-axis. bad math joke? that wasn’t even a joke, was it? sorry.

ok here’s a list of things. totally out of context, but totally in context.

1. someone should have said “no i dont want to go.” preferably BEFORE the 1 am subway ride to the wrong side of town. my directional-bad, though, i think.

1a. im going on record here, and this will come back to haunt me, i know, but really, it wasnt that bad. i’d go back. :gasp: it could be a good time. ur not looking for your “Person B”, and if you are, you’re too young. it’s a party, but not half as bad as some stuff that does go on other places. it can be fun.

2. the ditching was mutual. i dont do bullshit. you made bullshit about something (see 1a, 3, and 4).

3. jealous? please. with a lil’ logic, numero uno above would have been the one-stop-shop for all your problem solving needs. and maybe some pre-planning. but mostly, some communicative lackings needed to be not lacked.

4. two aforementioned characters (A and B) could have been removed from the equation (i think thats the jealousy/jealousy) with a simple “no.”
4a. one of the above persons, yes, i did really want to see. im sorry, but im allowed.
4b. the other–honey you couldnt be more wrong in your assumptions if you assumed them in swahili.

5. I’m sorry about your deeply unfortunate, scary, and awful encounter. I should have been a better friend there. yeah, that was way wrong of me. But that’s why you shouldnt volunteer at homeless shelters, though.
5a. last sentence = joke.

6. try and talk? if you’re referring to that night, well i was pissed too. if you’re talking about the morning, i believe it was you who initiated the silence. like i said, ive learned to ignore bullshit. ill perfect that quality soon enough/never.

7. yeah, ive got priorities. not that what you said we’re mine, necessarily, but still, mine are different than yours. wanna fight about it? kayz.

8. it takes two, darling, two to live, two to love, and two to fight, among other things. its not all what “I” did so much as its what “you” did, as well. and sometimes i even think I’m being weak when i concede, but i suppose maybe that’s just a little more maturity than i thought i had.

9. congratulations on the subterranean confidence boost. Although, personally, i think meeting people on the subway is gross. i prefer the internet </sarcasm>? hmmm.

so that’s that. now on to a bit of personal reflection.

its funny how i find myself on the opposite end of things. that was so not meant to be sexual.
relationship-wise: you’re the pursuer, and the pursuee is just, playing along. its a mind fuck, even if they tell you its not. even if they think its not. even if you think its not. some shit just don’t work out, and that is the universal tautology in the philosophy of life. Why? Because. Acceptance is key…fighting is key, too, but time will eventually teach you to gauge the two. drill that into your godforsaken brains, people.

now, turn the tables. you’re the pursued. what do you do with the pursuer if you yourself dont know your own feelings. whats right to do, whats wrong to do, lets take the easy way out and do nothing. so often thats the case…or just lie. lead the person on. those last two are often, and understandably, seen as one and the same. although they are different if you ask each party in the situation.

but because you’re dealing with two different people, you’re not going to often have one-and-the-same. you’re going to have similar, related, relative, cooperative, supportive, and lots of other good -ive’s, etc. so, the key is understanding yourself. you have to do that first and foremost. the general problem with this, though, is that most people, at whatever age, don’t really understand themselves. again, life is for living. you’re lucky if you figure more than half of it out before time’s up. if you’d like to get into a “whats the meaning(s) of life” discussion, id appreciate if you’d spare me since its relatively frivolous (we’re living, deal with it), but more than likely i’d entertain the idea of such a conversation.
or, maybe its just a maturity issue. or a character issue. or how good you are at pretending? honestly i have know idea. again, Just Because. we know nothing. that probably has a negative connotation but i dont mean it as such. boggle your mind for a bit, bolster the intelligence of the human race, you will be thanked greatly.

so what is this all about? understanding.and perspective. that with a side of typical bullshit. naiveté. maturation. living. dealing. being. working. god i feel like this is straight out of a Rent song or something.

anyway, the point is…what’s the point? C’est La Vie.

i dont know. after reading through that, it doesnt seem like a fitting end. maybe thats just because its not the end? of some things at least. of others, maybe.

–

This piece is COPYRIGHTED. (C) 2008. It is owned in its entirety by the author and it is posted here with permission. Ask permission if you want to do something with it. Don’t steal it. Don’t post it elsewhere. WordPress does not own this piece. I have more connections than you do to IP attorneys.

]]> http://thedirtymanch.wordpress.com/2008/06/30/this-doesnt-need-a-title/feed/ 1 Brett Graph of Life. See past the horridity at its accuracy. http://thedirtymanch.wordpress.com/2008/06/23/12/ http://thedirtymanch.wordpress.com/2008/06/23/12/#comments Tue, 24 Jun 2008 03:23:16 +0000 Brett http://thedirtymanch.wordpress.com/?p=12 ]]> what to write, what to write. 

I want to write, but i dont know for which purpose my writing should serve or which epiphanic insights I should reveal to the world. God, do I wish I had a bigger vocabulary. 

I could offer discourse on … well a lot of stuff. It’s finding that one unique point I want to make in each post and just expanding on it creatively, intelligently, and with such dexterity that people will actually want to read my shit. I’m charming, I know; I like it like that. It’s called voice, and in my head, it sounds like something I’d want to hear. But maybe that’s just me. 

But I so insouciantly digress…

So. What’s the lesson on todays agenda? I would just hate to talk politics. I’m dreading the day I start ranting and raving on anything related to this godforsaken, yet somehow still god-blessed, country. So, in that regard, I can’t wait to talk politics. But I’m purposefully avoiding it because, well, it’s politics. 

I could talk about music, my internship, life in NYC, relationships/lack thereof, social issues, or fuck i could just practice telling stories. But until I can decide, you should read the new york times, or something. 

yesterday proved that work was (thankfully) starting to shape into something worthwhile and very cool. I’ve never been one to fear a lawsuit, however when discussing things i do at my internship i wont get very detailed. Friday I was asked to research publishing info for two songs that producers or whomever wanted to use in a promo for a new show. i dont think we were able to secure the rights, but seeing how this all plays out will be cool. one of my main goals is to see the process of getting a song licensing it and see it in media.  it doesnt seem like much but apparently there’s lots that goes into it. money, negotiating, etc. 

idk, maybe after this internship Id like to try and work more on the creative side. we’ll see what happens. 

on friday i basically got kicked out of work around 2, since we’re on summer hours. I went out to some bars in the east village fri night with two of my roommates, and we randomly ran into some friends of one of them. it was a good drunken time, and cost me more money than i desired to spend. oh well.

today i did nothing because all the exhaustion of this week finally caught up to me. and by nothing i literally mean i did nothing. and now im going to bed. hopefully tomorrow is more…of something. 

[warning: this will be a longer post]

Well first off, New York City is amazing. But you already knew that; I felt like saying it anyway, though. To me it feels like sensory overload–there’s just so much for my eyes and brain to process they can’t handle it all. But I’m starting to get used to it. There’s so many people–if you think the ann arbor townies are weird or you are afraid of the people at Fleetwood at 4am on any given day, then you’d probably have a bit of an issue with some people here. It’s easy to spot the tourists and the New Yorkers. And as a nice midwestern boy, i try and avoid both of them lol. But so far everythings been great.  

So today was my first day at MTV. Yesterday I got settled in and got my bearings, checked out times square and walked around that part of the city for a bit. It took me a good twenty minutes to find the entrance to the building I would be working in. That was frustrating. After a few hours of walking around aimlessly, I came back and crashed for a few hours. Then I went down to the village to meet my cousin for dinner. It’s really kind of college-towny there, probably in part because it is a college town (NYU). But it was cool.

So, back to MTV:

Our offices are on the 29th floor of a building across from the Viacom bldg (1515, the one where TRL is filmed). Its super cool, with green lights, cool fixtures, and just an overall sense of coolness. Yeah, i said cool twice. I don’t care. I have a computer, what seems like a really sweet phone (i really want to start using it), and my name next to my desk! (everyone has their name on their desk/cubicle area. What a step up from last summer @ the UMG offices!) So I’ve started to learn names. Everyone there is young and hip and very personable, with unique personalities and distinct styles. One of the best parts about where i work is the view, though. My desk looks right out onto Times Square. its amazing. 

Today, I jumped right into it all. I got my MTV ID badge, attended a seminar about programming, went to a little learning session with ppl from my floor so we could be shown an updated version of a popular program we use, and got started on a few projects. 

I work in Music and Media Licensing, or MML. I don’t know what type of things ill be working on in the future, but today I started updating our database of independent music, researched some licensing agreements for clips for a show in production, and organized our video library (surprising work for an intern, right?). 

after work, i went to meet my friend who lives in brooklyn for dinner. And i got lost for the first time. At least it was during the day lol. I ended up missing the 14th st/union square stop because i didnt equate the two. stupid train driver. anyway, i ended up way south in brooklyn…i started to get suspicious after the train hadn’t stoped for about ten minutes, and then we started going over a bridge lol. so when we finally came to a stop i just got on the train going the opposite way all the way back to union square and got on the right train to BK. so, it wasnt too bad. my friend lives in williamsburg, which is a really cool hipster kinda area. there are no starbucks. 

and now im back. and probably going to go to sleep. Sorry for the long, chopping, and probably not so great entry. But this is really just for me to journal everything so i dont forget it, like last summer. 

Yesterday was spent packing, packing, packing, and, in my usual fashion, not thinking, procrastinating, and inefficient multitasking. It all works out though. I managed to cut down on the amount of clothes I was bringing, so as to not have to deal with shipping anything that couldnt fit into my two huge suitcases. 

So I think now would be a good time to reflect a bit on last year what I was doing at this time, and this year, and think about what I need to do differently to have an overall better experience. Life’s all about learning, I know, but my stubborn ass tends to not apply learned lessons very well. 

Last year, on the plan headed to Los Angeles, I wrote a song. It is called “I Don’t Like Sleeping Alone”. It was for someone whom I loved very much and greatly missed during the summer. It still is one of my favorite songs that I wrote. However, this year, no such song. Said person and I have more or less split ways, and for once I am going to try and be okay with that. 

As I was listening to the radio, or rather as my dad was listening to the radio, this morning driving to the airport, it was ESPN on Sirius. They were taking about the Celtics win, and the Big 3 players, and of course they get to discussing Ray Allen and how he managed to still win a World Championship and deal some massive familial issues — his son getting diagnosed with diabetes. In an interview, Allen talked about how he focused on what he had to do. What was best for the team. What was best for him. He didnt let the bad news of his son get him down or  negatively affect his performance. In fact, he had a great game. Why then, do I let so many things affect me and what I do, no matter how unrelated they are? That’s not how it is supposed to be.

–plane was landing here–

–now I’m in my dorm/apt–

I’m not gunna let that happen this time around, no matter how many reminders i have of the past. I can be strong and i can do what i need to do. Such is life. Sometimes there’s just not an answer for every question. 

So what else am i going to do this summer: 

1. be more outgoing

2. be more motivated to work hard

3. be a better intern than i was last year by doing 1 and 2. 

4. Milk this fucking city for all its worth. 

5. stop being so stubborn

6. mature. 

so i could probably also list another hundred or so things but those sound good for now. 

I need to finish settling in, buy a pillow, and get some food. and then get to exploring…

In the words of what of the most underrated Disney characters ever…”It is time.”

For now, I guess I should practice telling the world seemingly meaningless crap about myself and my life. 

I took the LSAT today. It was fine. Good even. I’m not stressed out about it, or worried about my score. In three weeks I’ll get it and then I’ll deal with it. I tried hard. Could have tried harder, but you can always try harder. So I think I’ll at least be content with my score. And that’s important. It definitely didnt go as bad as it could have. There were some stupid mistakes but I’m not going to beat myself up over them. 

After the test, which took up about 7 hours of my day (actual testing only took about four) I packed up the rest of my room and schleped it all back home. It’s kinda sad leaving Ann Arbor for the summer, and my house for good (although it was normally pretty boring there…). Alas, on to bigger and better things for now. 

I’m really looking forward to New York. It’ll be a time to grow, change, reflect, develop, etc etc. There’s lots I’d like to work on, personal stuff, so with the right attitude and maybe some self-motivation, I’ll be able to do it. But now, I need to sleeeeep.